Personal Growth
I intended to go left but my body moved itself to the right, onto the grass. I don’t think my brain had any say in this, as is often the case. First my knees went hard against the ground. Coming in second were both palms of my hands; sending a shock through the wrists, elbows and finally shoulders. The race was impressively concluded by my nose. It smacked the grass hard and left the green slathered in red. Given due time, it could oxidize into its own bronze medal.
I dug two fingers into the soil and closed my eyes. The smell of minerals and silica overwhelmed my senses. I stayed in this position, fingers in the earth, for about five minutes. Opening my eyes again I saw nothing but a green blur, it was not at all as I expected. I had not yet started taking root, it proved more difficult than simply giving in. I aborted my attempt and went back to the cabin.
The next day I made a second endeavour. After making a slight diagonal rotation from my original position, I placed my fingers into the soil again. This time digging both thumbs in as well. The ground was hard and packed with debris. Snaking the digits deeper, I cut myself under the nail of my left thumb on a sharp piece of flint. The grass - called every bad name I ever learned in rapid succession - had to bear the brunt of my frustration over the current situation. As I solemnly resigned, I was no closer to my intended goal.
On day three I asked a friend to come along with me. She carried the shovel, I had to concentrate on the task ahead. We didn’t speak on our journey. There was no use for that. I had already laid out the plan in detail the night before. We found my blood, bronzed impressively, in a somewhat uncertain circular shape. I showed her the fruitless holes my fingers had dug the days prior. A moment of silence followed in which, presumably both of us, scrutinized the previous attempts for their flaws. I went back into position. Two thumbs up from my friend signalled she was ready to dig. Suddenly, by divine inspiration, I realized it would be much easier if she simply hit me on the head with the blade of the shovel. I relayed this information and she did so without hesitation.
When I awoke, I felt my legs the great branches of a cherry blossom. My body its massive trunk. My arms and fingers rooted far into the soil. Deeper than I could have ever wished for. My neck forced into a ninety degree angle to the dirt. Leaving my head as nothing more than an inconvenience. My friend was nowhere to be seen. Her job was done.

*
Inward Visual Projection of Aural Vibrations on the Back Wall of the Cave of the Skull
This meditation practice uses sound vibrations as a focal point for the attention.¹ Open up the playlist and select a song. It is highly recommended to start with the first one and work your way down in the following sessions. Headphones are highly recommended to effectively position yourself amidst the sonic landscape. Pick an adequate volume to drown out surrounding noise. Remember: Maximum volume yields maximum results yields maximum damage to hearing, so be safe.²
Before starting the music. Sit down cross-legged with support for the back, or lie down with support for the neck. The posture should be relaxed but engaged. Clothing is fully optional in this meditation. Strip down to what is most comfortable and least inhibiting to your chosen posture.
Rest your eyes on nothing in particular, allow the full range of vision to enter into your perception. Take a deep breath in through the nose, and out through the mouth. With every breath out, attempt to release more of the tension caught in your muscles. Repeat this cycle until you feel sufficiently relaxed into an active posture. On the next exhale, close your eyes.
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If you find it hard to relax, put a blanket over your face to drown out more light. You can also put a blanket over your entire body for a more closed off experience. Only do this if it’s comfortable, because it can become stuffy and sweaty.

If the body feels comfortable, effortlessly carried by the earth; and/or carried on the spinal cord, it is time to retreat into your personal sanctuary. Your temporary refuge from the ego. In a moment you may start the music, the vibrations of which you will keep in your active attention for the entire duration of the song and then a bit.
Start the music. With the arrival of the vibrations, turn your eyes inward and gaze into the hollow cavern of the skull. The absence of the brain signifies the release of the substantive self. Sit within the empty eye sockets, the entrances to your hollow, and stare at the back wall. See how the aural vibrations start to ripple this wall like stones dropped in a pond. Follow with your vision where the sound distorts your skull.
When you are ready, slowly move closer towards the rippling wall. Move deeper into the sound and enter into the resonance between the vibrations. Break through the surface of the wall (think going through a painting in Super Mario 64) and transcend the physical body. Inhabit the sound and stay here as long as you want. If you feel your body sink back into reality, or thoughts distract, you can always re-center yourself on the ripples and immerse into them once more.

Where do you 'see' the vibrations rippling the cavern walls?

As the song finishes and the vibrations subside, drift back into the skull and sit for some more minutes in the entrance of your cavern. Linger on the echo left behind. After a few moments, release it and take a deep breath in through the nose and out through the mouth. On the exhale open your eyes. Take your time to return into regular space and time. Stretch out, massage your body, slowly get up and don’t look back. Leave behind your cave until the next meditation.
1. It might be good to start with a meditation for transcendence by raphael Reiter on which this technique is based.
2. A bastardization of Sunn 0)))’s dictum.

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Throughout the day you keep carrying that warmth I find on you after waking.

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t-mobile thuis
De kpn monteur die vandaag langskwam voor onze t-mobile verbinding vertelde mij dat hij helemaal geen kpn monteur was maar een monteur van t-mobile en dat er een kpn monteur moest langskomen want wat er moest gebeuren kan niet gedaan worden door een t-mobile monteur. Dat wist ik want dat was mij namelijk drie weken geleden aan de telefoon al verteld toen ik een afspraak maakte voor een kpn-monteur. Over vijf werkdagen word er contact met mij opgenomen over een afspraak met de kpn-monteur.

*
The orchestra has left you at the door.
Whatever it is you wish to achieve, it will be a solo endeavour.


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Verlies
Je zag je verlies drie beurten geleden al aankomen. Was dit schaken dan zou je nu nog iedere kans hebben het tij te keren aan de hand van deze toekomst projectie. Maar dit is curling en dus gaat het om het hier en nu. De tegenstander heeft deze end al twee stenen in het huis gegooid en jullie drie pogingen van het veld verwijderd. De elegantie waarmee de gooier haar rug holt bij de aanloop is overweldigend. Huiverend denk je aan je eigen dubbelgevouwen postuur tijdens de aanloop. De sculpturale schouderbladen in de marmeren bovenlichamen van de vegers beheersen je volledige gedachte. De zoemer! Je bent opnieuw met je voet over de eerste hogline gegaan. Je team spreekt je aan op je gebrek aan concentratie maar je hoort ze nauwelijks. De werkelijkheid van de koude ijsbaan is een verre droom. Je hoofd bonst, een hitte  stralend vanuit je borst verzwelgt je volledig. Je kunt geen kant op.
Je weet beter, maar toch doe je het. Je glijd vooruit met de laatste steen van deze end. Geeft je worp een kleine spin naar links, al weet je dat het zinloos is, je gaat niet graag zonder een poging ten onder. Het moment dat je hand de hendel laat gaan, schuif je ook je linker voet naar achter. Je voelt de frictie van je schoen over het ijs, een bewijs van de sabotage. Beide knieën rusten nu op het ijs en met het voorwaartse momentum laat je je bovenlichaam het ijs treffen. Met armen gestrekt glijd je achter je steen aan. Bij de vegers is een combinatie van schaamte en huivering af te lezen, hun bezems zweven nog boven het oppervlakte van de baan, er is geen reden om hier energie aan te verspillen. De scheidsrechter fluit jou en je team af, dit is het dan. De hitte heeft je lichaam verlaten. In de plaats ervan voel je nu de vrieskou je botten indringen. Je hebt het geprobeerd, je was zo dichtbij.
Bijna thuis.


*
​​​​​​​It is a feeling of unease,
the brain,
like the nauseated stomach,
is moving into all directions at once.
No position feels good, moving around only makes it worse.
It feels like words and images are about to spew out on all sides.
It is inevitable, but you fight it anyway.

Collected around you, puddles of scattered sentence, collapsing thoughts.
Fragments of possibly great ideas mixed with bile,
piled,
cyclic,
unfinished and incoherent.
The thought of cleaning the mess is horrible, but the anticipation of everything coming out is worse. Instinctively you try to keep it in, afraid of what it will look like. Afraid that others will see and still recognize the chunks of last night’s dinner.


* 
Consideration
He told her again and again “Tie my shoelaces together, please.” She refused, which was completely reasonable.
He was being utterly unreasonable.
“I need someone to tie them together!” He shouted at her. She was close to his face, arguably too close. His breath smelled of the cheese they shared yesterday evening, which gave her the sneaking suspicion that he hadn’t brushed his teeth again. She asked him if he’d brushed his teeth. “Have you brushed your teeth this morning, or last night?”
He didn’t respond, but she thought she spotted a subtle head shake. Probably just to confirm the negligence to himself.

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